Feeling it Now

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Friday, I had one of those satisfying work days we don’t get that often.  I had two important projects I had scheduled to complete prior to going on time-off (wasn’t procrastinating, just scheduled the last of the data to come in the day before).  While officially, I work from home, I knew that the distractions there would be too great to knock those projects out – so drove into a plant and worked at a desk (that was actually mine, I just am never there). Six hours of specs, checklists, reports, revisions, and publishing documents – and the job was done.  That kind of done that is black and white, that makes you feel accomplished.

As I was shutting down the computer, packing up my bag, that’s when a concept was sinking in.  I am leaving my job today to go have surgery.  Yup, I was about to have a real medical procedure that is going to rearrange things against how my body was made to being with.

In that moment, I had that first flush of cold feet.

Guess what … It wasn’t the last.

Even as I busied myself at 4:30am preparing for my flight out of town, I was asking myself if I was doing the right thing.  If this procedure the right way to go.  Did I really understand the risks?  Did I really think this was going to make my life better?

Up to this point, I’ve been pretty indifferent.  Either I’ve been focused on the steps to prepare for the procedure, focused on work, or focused on something completely different.  It was something I was going to be doing.  When I told this to some of you, some thought it maybe my more analytical mind, or the systemic approach I take to things.  It’s a little more clear now, it was more denial.  Not like the here and now I am facing.

How do I get by the cold feet?  Turns out it’s a difficult, yet easy process.  I get up, I move around.

My knees have seen better days, but they have seen much worse than right now.  Yet I get on them for a little while and I feel the pinch of pain that comes with apply too much weight to a rough joint.  My hip is worse these days, sitting in chairs and leaning forward actually forces my girth to apply pressure on that joint in the wrong direction – and now standing, sitting, laying down are all a hint away from a sharp pain going to down the length of my leg.  With the surgery coming, I am off standard pain pills (aspirin, ibuprofen, etc) due to the effects it has on the stomach, which means I have to just bear it out these days.

But each pain I feel, each ache, I am remember why I need this change.

So yeah … that apprehension I should have been feeling … I’m feeling ti now.  But I am feeling the old pain too.

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