I’ve had enough and I am leaving Alaska for good.

I am tired of the winter, tired of the snow, tired of the constant flood of people who only want to be “nice to me” … yuk!!

Ever since I came here I knew it was only going to be temporary.  Just a matter of time really until I figured out that this is no place for an forty-something, grumpy bear.  Nope, Alaska is a land for the young and hip, where people just go around in designer clothing and fast cars.  Alaska is where all the stars come to shoot reality television; and I’m sick of it.

I’m leaving it all behind untouched.  Not going to sell the house, I talked to the neighbors and they were hoping to open a squirrel sanctuary.  They can have it, I say.  But I am leaving all my stuff behind, where I am going I won’t need it. 

I’m going to go live my dream.  I am moving to sunny Cleveland, where I can go into politics.  I hear its pretty easy there — it’s the one place in the country where people listen to lies spread on Facebook, so all I need to is say I know what I am doing and they should hate the other guy and I am in.  Plus with the house in Alaska, house in Kansas, and house in Cleveland, I can pretty much pass for a rich guy … meaning I can run for any party I want and be accepted and/or hated.

Oh, the dog is coming with me.  I expect to become the North Korean envoy to Cleveland, so I can stud him out to a few of their puppy farms and restaurants.

And I’m giving up beer.  I never really liked the taste of it.

And I am cutting my right arm off.  No reason, just to see what will happen.

Now for the best song ever performed, something that they only play in Alaska:

Happy First of April Everyone.