I’ve had enough and I am leaving Alaska for good.
I am tired of the winter, tired of the snow, tired of the constant flood of people who only want to be “nice to me” … yuk!!
Ever since I came here I knew it was only going to be temporary. Just a matter of time really until I figured out that this is no place for an forty-something, grumpy bear. Nope, Alaska is a land for the young and hip, where people just go around in designer clothing and fast cars. Alaska is where all the stars come to shoot reality television; and I’m sick of it.
I’m leaving it all behind untouched. Not going to sell the house, I talked to the neighbors and they were hoping to open a squirrel sanctuary. They can have it, I say. But I am leaving all my stuff behind, where I am going I won’t need it.
I’m going to go live my dream. I am moving to sunny Cleveland, where I can go into politics. I hear its pretty easy there — it’s the one place in the country where people listen to lies spread on Facebook, so all I need to is say I know what I am doing and they should hate the other guy and I am in. Plus with the house in Alaska, house in Kansas, and house in Cleveland, I can pretty much pass for a rich guy … meaning I can run for any party I want and be accepted and/or hated.
Oh, the dog is coming with me. I expect to become the North Korean envoy to Cleveland, so I can stud him out to a few of their puppy farms and restaurants.
And I’m giving up beer. I never really liked the taste of it.
And I am cutting my right arm off. No reason, just to see what will happen.
Now for the best song ever performed, something that they only play in Alaska:
Happy First of April Everyone.